Dear Dave,
I wonder if you got the chance to read my last letter, although it now seems clear it would have made no difference. Now that you have lost the vote in parliament, I thought it might be prudent for me to advance further words of advice on how to move forward.
First things first, even though he is a Tory darling (mainly due to that speech a few generations ago), it is the right time to move William Hague on. Yes, he is one of your closest allies and yes, you will alienate a few right-wingers in your party (bloody rebels, all of them!), but the truth is Mr Hague will be better suited to the Home Office portfolio. A Foreign Secretary is really a PM in waiting and they are the individual who travels around the world to represent the government, consequently, gravitas is a requisite trait. Don't think I need say more on that one.
Next, now that she will no longer have a job, you can move Theresa May to Health....let's be frank, if Jeremy Hunt can do the job, then so can Madame May. The worst that can happen is the odd scandal and mismanagement here and there.....Theresa is the queen of missteps, so she should fit right in. Besides, she is going to betray you anyway, as the Tory leadership tussle hots up. Better you push her down the ladder now, than have to ask Et Tu Theresa down the line. Don't let the leopard-print shoes fool you.
Now, let's get to the nitty gritty....Syria. Granted you were so stubborn in your determination in getting the issue to the Commons, but surely, even a Bullingdon boy like you must understand how to win votes. It is not done by being nice and asking MPs politely to report to the chamber, rather it is conducted in the most vicious and spine-chilling manner. You require Whips from the Walter Harrison and Bernard "Jack" Weatherill school, who are prepared to scare their fellow colleagues with career-threatening phone calls and still invite them to breakfast the next morning, once the vote is won.
Instead, all you have now is what is slowly becoming a lame-duck scenario. Ed Miliband, a man who is clearly inferior to you in terms of communication, has somehow managed to steal your thunder and gavalnise his troops. Whats more, people on the street now look at your job and see him as an adequate replacement. Yes, he is a back-stabbing, ruthless bugger, but as far as most of us watching from the sidelines are concerned, this is an apt description for all of you who work in the building with the world's most famous clock. The earlier you realise this and hit Ed where it hurts...the better.
Whilst attempting to decapitate Mr Miliband, do not be distracted by all this nonsense about France taking our place in the special relationship with America. Apart from the Statue of Liberty thing, the Americans are never going to gel with the French. The true essence of a special relationship is the similarity of thought and just because we think alike, doesn't mean we are not going to disagree sometimes....after all what purpose does a special bond serve, if we can't have the odd divergence?
In truth, I wish you had waited for Obama to play his hand before you showed your cards. If you consider the fact he is by far the superior politician and communicator, it would have been shrewder to see how he handled the matter. Now, on the back of your defeat, he has used you to move his case forward, knotting Congress' legs and waiting to see a fallout that would not only support his policy, but also improve his imploding ratings. Pay attention Dave....see how players play!
As a Political science graduate, I was going to delve into giving you loads of guidance and recommend reading the "Art of War" and "Vom Kriege," but you can imagine my shock when I found out you bagged a 1st in PPE from Oxford no less...wow. Well, it may be time to dust off your Uni books and get back to basics, otherwise, it may surprise you that your BC and Oxford senior, Boris, could utilise his Classics degree to the full extent of political treachery.
In conclusion, I heard a wicked rumour about the UK government (under your stewardship). Some 'recalcitrant' red-top has been saying we sold chemical weapon ingredients to Syria in 2010! Personally, I refuse to believe such evil chit-chat, as I do not accept we could have sold Assad such chemicals and now want to stand in judgement over him today. But then I saw some more damning details.
Come on Dave, say it ain't so....
Regards
Kanmi Iyanda
P.S - You have to do something about your 'New World Order' advisers. They make you look arrogant, distant and not living in reality. It's up to you Dave, tick...tock...tick...tock.
